The world outside and within me have an uncanny knack of conspiring against my best intentions; at least that’s my excuse (or rather one of a vast arsenal) and I’m sticking to it. The current deployment of this excuse is in relation to two seemingly innocuous commands: “Be still!” and “Wait patiently!” In fact “command” seems like to harsh or serious a label for them, perhaps they should be filed under “good advice” or “helpful suggestions”.
But the impact of ignoring these imperatives has been graciously pointed out to me by an unexpected ally. You see, the conspiracy that rages against these two: stillness and waiting, is almost all-encompassing, capable of filling every hour of the day twice-over and relentlessly reinforcing my right (or at least desire) to have it now, whatever “it” may be. The conspirators include the usual suspects of work, husbandry, parenting, church-going, etc. and a host of shady secondary characters: online retail and research, murder-mystery watching, photo editing, tweet formulating, etc. None of these are particularly debasing vices but their combined effect is fairly devastating. So who is this ally who has come to my rescue, this welcome relief? His name is “sickness”. Yes, possibly the only thing in my life which has helped me to be still and to wait (though not always patiently) has been illness.
Thanks to the intervention of this otherwise unwelcome visitor I am learning the value of being still and waiting, even patiently. Throughout this time I have also found a helpful guide, one familiar with retreat, in the shape of one Brennan Manning and his books. He is not a Christian guru with all the answers, nor even necessarily a must-read author. But for me, over the last six months his books have been the mentor and companion I have needed. I mention this because I think the following quote reflects something of the journey I have begun.
“Our trust in Jesus grows as we shift from making self-conscious efforts to be good to allowing ourselves to be loved as we are (not as we should be). The Holy Spirit moves us from the head to the heart, from intellectual cognition to experiential awareness. An inward stillness pervades our being, and the time of prayer is characterized by less rational reflection and speaking and more contemplative quiet and listening.” Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust.
If that all sounds too esoteric then I guess that’s partly because the excerpt is taken out of the context of both the book and my life. To fill in a little of the latter: this journey has been from a place or intellectual-only knowledge, of non-existent intimacy with Jesus, of performance- and people-based self-worth, of selfishness, and of uncertain trust in the goodness of God. From this place, I hope you will agree that this journey is in the right direction!
